It was a few years ago that I began to notice 80’s fashions were making a comeback. I was immediately struck with a sense of betrayal, as I thought the human race had put the 80’s behind us. I was wrong.

At first, I saw the stereotypical too-tanned, too-blonde sorority girls wearing leg warmers while walking my college campus. Then I noticed the “scene” girls wearing sweatshirts cut off at the neckline. Neon colors began to rear their ugly heads on girls sporting the urban style. Finally, it spread to the men, who began wearing jeans so tight I thought they might have the same effective rate as the pull-out method.

Alone in my dorm room at night, I began to lose sleep, wondering: just how far would this go? If I saw a woman senseless enough to wear rainbow leg warmers with a denim skirt and flip flops, who was to say what would come next? Could even I fall prey to the regurgitated trends sociopathic fashion designers were throwing up all over me?

I made this list of fashion trends that we as a human race must vow to never, ever bring back. The list is more sacred than the Bill of Rights. God has thrown away the ten commandments in its favor. The FBI will now change its Top 10 Most Wanted from murderers and rapists to people who attempt to bring these fads back.

These are the top 10 worst fashion trends of all time.


Short Shorts for Dudes:

I see you, sexy punk rock man, trying to show off all of your tattoos by wearing tiny shorts and no shirt. Your chest looks nice and the sleeve tattoo is hot, but honestly, you look like a girl in the back wearing those daisy dukes.

I get it. The goldenrod color pallet and contrasting piping used along the edges of 70‘s-style athletic shorts are mesmerizing to the point of mistaking them as stylish. In fact, research shows that after WWII, men thought knee-length shorts were for squares and fuddy-duddies.

Short shorts might feel cooler, more free. But maybe they are a little too free.

After all, where is the logic in wearing a pair of shorts which your balls have the potential dangle out of like an ornament on the bottom branch of a Christmas tree? This can happen easily, like when you sit down or take too large of strides when you walk. And don’t bend over. You could be arrested and added to a list of people forced to introduce themselves to their neighbors.

And what I really want to know is this: Can short shorts and tube socks ever be mutually exclusive?


Denim Done Wrong:

There are many sub-categories to this fashion blunderbuss, so I understand how someone might make the wrong choice and end up looking like a prisoner in a denim jumpsuit.

The most mortal denim sin is the denim-on-denim look, also known as the Canadian Tuxedo. Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Sarah Michelle Geller and most Canadians have sported this look, not realizing they were straining other’s eyes, who were stuck wondering where to look.

But they are not the only celebs to fall prey to bad denim. Jerry Seinfeld wore jeans as black as my empty eye sockets on nearly every episode of his sitcom. Debbie Gibson helped popularize the stone-washed look, as well as that strange “dammit, I dripped bleach on these” denim. J.Lo wore studded, rhinestone and glitter jeans as vapid as she is.

Luckily (or not), most of these people have moved on to to live productive (I guess) lives. So don’t despair if you are a victim of bad denim. Treat it like alcoholism: if you can’t do denim right, don’t do it at all.


Tribal and barbed-wire tattoos:

“Trends come and go, so I’ll get one permanently inked to my body so it’s there forever and ever. Then I’ll have a direct example when giving the ‘would you jump off a bridge’ lecture to the grandkids. Perfect!”

Unfortunately, a lot of people had a similar train of thought in the late 90’s when tribal tatoos and its white trash cousins, barbed wire tattoos, came into style. Pamela Anderson, who was the hottest thing this side of Baywatch at the time, popularized the barbed-wire tattoo with by getting one on her upper arm. The demure Ms. Anderson even did a movie called Barb Wire, her tattoo appearing on the VHS box.

Now is a good point to draw an analogy: all fashion trends eventually morph into the not-so-fresh-faced Pamela Anderson we see today. That's why we don't make them a permanent fixture on our body.

So stick to hearts with “Mom” in the middle, silhouettes of girls with large breasts and spider webs. Those classy tats will never go out of style.

Note: the trend recently evolved into the “tramp stamp” tattoo, also known as the “I’m a proud slut” tattoo. Avoid at all costs.


“Bill Cosby” Sweaters:

Once upon a time, it was a decade called the 1990’s. During that time, there lived a demi-god who made his career as the voice of Fat Albert and a Jello Pudding spokesman. His name is Bill Cosby.

What Cosby did in between the Fat Albert and Jello gigs would have been irrelevant, were it not for the sweaters he sported playing Dr. Huxtable on the obscure sitcom "The Cosby Show." The chunky, cable-knit sweaters that looked like the 1990's took a number two on them catapulted Cosby to international fame. Apparently, dads wearing hideous sweaters were really relatable to people living during this time.

So where are they now? Many Cosby sweaters were donated to the less fortunate, and can now be seen modeled on the most elegant people in the most fashionable parts of downtown Cleveland. Other Cosby sweaters have retired, choosing to live quietly in the back of a closet somewhere. Still others are relegated to the landfills, likely to never be heard from again. Let’s keep it that way.


Shoulder Pads:

In college, I learned the importance of secondary sex characteristics in finding a mate...in my Human Evolution class, of course. However, the 80’s were an epoch governed by laws entirely unto itself. Proof: the asexual style of shoulder pads.

At the time, women were attempting to smash the glass ceiling in the business world, thus the reemergence of shoulder pads, which first ruined the female physique in the 1930's.

But it took coked-outness of the 1980's to bring them to their grandiose heights. Shoulder pads became bigger and more masculine. Women didn’t just want to smash the ceiling; they wanted to look like they would smash it over their ass-grabbing boss’s head.

A friend of mine said she remembers her mother having a nightgown with shoulder pads when she was a kid. A night-fricking-gown. Imagine calling out for your mother in the middle of the night, complaining of the boogey man in the closet, only to have him walk straight through your bedroom door wearing a floral nightgown. Scarred for life.

So please, never bring back shoulder pads. It's for the children.


The Mad Hatter’s Top Hats:

One thing I usually avoid when picking up on a trend: insanity and possible death. When the side effect of a hot new trend is my impending demise, I just have to say “no." (Typically, this is followed by: "Wait...will this help me get laid?”)

So I would have been quite fashionable if I were a male living in the late 19th Century, when felt top hats shined with mercury were all the rage. In case you don’t know, mercury is a toxic metal that, when inhaled, produces side effects ranging from fits of anger, decline of intellect and low self control to Chrohn’s disease, emphysema and...excessive sweating.

Though it is widely believed that The Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland was inspired by the crazy caused by mercury hats, historians now say the character was most likely inspired by some eccentric furniture dealer dude. But whatever. Hearsay will always be more important than what some dusty, crusty historian says.

On second thought, maybe we should bring back mercury hats and pass around a few at the next Republican National Convention. Kidding!


Harem Pants:

Ever been skydiving and thought, “Wow, this parachute is really heavy. Next time I should save money and just wear a giant pair of wind pants instead”? Yeah, me too. That’s why harem pants became so popular in the 1990’s. Ok, not really. If only that were the reason...

They were actually popularized by musician, preacher and the face of Gold 4 Cash, MC Hammer. Hammer made it acceptable to wear these pants, which were bulbulous at the top, floppy at the leg and tight at the ankle to create a look that only looks good on bears, and other fat-assed animals.

The results are inconclusive, but studies show that more men suffer from harem pants disease than women. So please, gentlemen, no more fantasizing about wearing gold-sequined pants and doing the "Too Legit to Quit" hand signal for an imaginary crowd of "hot babes" before you fall asleep at night. It only ever worked for Hammer, and the laws of the universe dictate that it will never work again.


The Bustle:

Much like the hip-hop artists and apple bottom lovers of today, 19th-Century men liked their girls to have what we today refer to as a “bodonkadonk.” However, G-strings and the muffin tops that accompany them had not yet come into fashion, so folks had to work with what they had.

They wound up with the bustle. This cage-like contraption was strapped around the waist of a woman already laced into a corset, making for a comfortable outfit casual enough to wear in front of the Queen Mother or the Pope. I mean, crap, its bad enough living up to the impossible standards of beauty these days, but at least I don't have to consult with Denise Austin about what exercises will help me grow a three foot ass.

Bustles derived from the hoop skirts seen in Gone With the Wind, and, unfortunately, they are coming back thanks to the performance artistry of Kim Kardashian.

EXHIBIT A: http://www.bottomsup.ca/forWomen.htm


Stirrup Pants:

I don’t really have a problem with keeping my pants in daily situations, and if I do, I usually opt for a belt.

However, some miscreant designing clothes in the late 1980’s decided that the best way to keep pants securely fastened to the human body was through stirrups around the heels. Attached to tapered-leg spandex pants, the elastic stirrups were sure to never, ever let you go. Ever. Whether you wanted them to or not. Like your obsessive ex-girlfriend who still texts “was it because I gained weight?” three years after you broke up, so were the days of our stirrup pants.

It might take therapy. It might take a restraining order. But if you find that there is elastic attached to the bottom of your pants, I urge you: stop, drop your pants, and throw them in the nearest incinerator. Even Goodwill doesn’t want those things.


Crocs:

If you look down and see these rubber shoes around your feet, I want you to immediately douse them in gasoline and light them on fire. Remember that the third-degree burns are actually karma for your poor life choices.

You know better. There is no excuse for this behavior and only one side to take. And, no, I don’t want to hear about how comfortable they are, you delusional piece of smegma. I’m pretty comfortable typing this in my underwear, but do you see me wearing my skivvies to Wal-Mart, or fucking work? NO.

I won’t even mention the SEVENTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE by name. Why? Because my tongue burns like a devil anointed with holy water when I speaketh of it.

So if you choose to continue to wear these in public, watch your back. Frankly, even Jesus wants to kick your ass.

End Note:
So why do we make these choices? Did the shoulder pad p.j. sporting mom mentioned above hold up a bizarre monstrosity of a nightgown at J.C. Penny one day and think, “Yeah, this is cute, and I don’t want my husband to think I don’t know about that glass ceiling in our bedroom.” Probably not. Shoulder pads, like every bad trend, sneak into our lives quietly at first, only to permeate the clothing racks of almost every shop available.

Remember plaid in the 90’s? Even if you were only six you probably do, it was everywhere. I wore plaid underwear, carried a plaid purse and swam in a plaid bikini, it wasn’t really because I loved the tartan look though, it was because there was nothing else. There was no other pattern available for teenage girls, besides fussy floral liberty prints, and no way in Fashion Hell was I wearing those. So maybe, many stupid ideas turn into trends with the masses, not because we love them so, but because we have no other choice.

In the end you have to be an individual. Want a bustle-ass? Go for it. Want to humiliate yourself in plastic clogs? Well, I can’t really condone that, but whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is what you choose to do. So what can the rest of us, more stubborn and self-respecting shoppers do when these trends began to permeate and we can’t really remember what a hat looked like without that poisonous, yet glamorous sheen?

Consult this list, hold our couture morals high, and never give in to the fashion take over, even if it means knitting our own jeans, which, of course will probably become the next most stupid trend ever.

And there you have it, guys, the fashion hit list, you’ve been warned.